Paula Deen Blows Off Today Show Interview To Drink Malt Liquor and Apply For Food Stamps

Friday, 21 June 2013

"How do you babysit a n-word baby? No, it's not a joke. I need to know.

Fresh from admitting that she routinely referred to African-Americans as "n-words", Food Network Fry-cook Paula Deen acted like one this morning when the celebrity porker completely blew off a Today Show interview-- and the show's all-white cast is mad as hell! (1)

"I can't, myself, determine what offends another person." 

When Deen was asked if she considered jokes using the N-word 'mean', she responded, "Many jokes target groups... I can't, myself, determine what offends another person." Really? Here's a good rule of thumb, stupid. If you look around the room to ensue there are no African-Americans before you tell the joke, it's fucking mean, you sow.

"Ms. Deen's desire to stay at home, drink malt liquor and watch Moesha reruns on VH-1 --rather than showing up for work today-- has little to do with her hatred of brown people," said balding Today Show hack Matt Lauer.

Deen, 82, has come under fire after admitting that she's used racial epithets in sworn testimony.

"Yes, of course," Deen replied. She added that "It's been a very long time" since she used the word. "Like two weeks or something."

Deen said she likely used the N-word to describe the jigaboos who held her up at gunpoint when she worked as a bank teller in the 1980s. She also said she may have used the word when describing conversations between African-American employees at her restaurants.

"But that's just not a word that we use as time has gone on," Deen said.

"Seriously, it's been like a WEEK since I've made fun of the darkies."

(1) Al Roker doesn't count.

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H&R Block Wants To Help In Your Hurricane Sandy Recovery Efforts.

Not wanting to come in second place to Hurricane Sandy in terms of financial ruination and victimization of the down-trodden, tax-hiccup H&R Block begins its two-pronged ritualized cozening of its clients with Emerald Advance AND their latest educational pamphlet, "[i]What You Can Do To Recover After A Hurricane, And How H&R Block Will Find A Way To Profit From It."[/i]

"Hurricane Sandy erased towns up and down the East Coast, victimized millions of residents, costing them billions of dollars," says William C. Cobb, President and CEO of H&R Block since Dick Breeden purchased the job for him in 2010. "And now the Government is throwing Sandy Recovery Money around left and right. We want to wet our beaks is all.."

This was parrotted by Block Chairman Robert A Gerard, whose job at Block is like being principal of a home school: "Look, if these people didn't want their shit destroyed by Sandy, they shoulda make their houses more absorbent."

As for Block's contribution to the Sandy relief effort, Cobb and Gerard read aloud from a press release prepared for them, Cobb managing to do so without asking for help pronouncing the big words.

"Dear Sandy Victims: S'up," said Cobb. "Lookit, If you need money for Christmas gifts, or to fix your homes so that you and your family don't die of exposure or hypothermia, visit one of our Emerald Advance offices."

"Indeed, friendly, knowledgable, and woefully-underpaid tax professionals are on hand to lend you your own money and greater-than-usury interest rates," continued Gerard. "And if they can't help you, please reach out to your office's District Manager, who usually can be found in one of the 68 offices in each district."

Block's stock can be tracked on NASDAQ under the ticker name FUKUP, and on Twitter via hash tag #bankrupt_by_May1st.

Andy Reid: The Emperor's New Big-And-Tall Men's Clothes.

He doesn't get it. He simply doesn't get it.

A friend wrote today, "This is why Andy Reid needs to be fired: First play of the game , with a banged up line and a rookie QB, and he calls for a throw out of the shotgun."

Indeed, that first play is a microcosm, but not of the shit play-calling we've come to expect. No, it's indicative of a larger issue: Andy Reid can not (or will not) view this team objectively. He's bought in to the bullshit he's been shoveling since Donovan McNabb christened his first huddle in a Super Bowl with vomit.

Reid, you DON'T take full responsibility for your team's failings. People who truly take responsibility endeavor to fix the problem. You don't.

Your team's game day performance indicates that you are NOT properly preparing the team in practice.

Your mid-course corrections (or lack thereof) indicates that you are not seeing the problems.

You draft for shit. You sign free agents wrong. You don't get contract issues handled in a way that prevents distraction. You don't scout teams well.

And I will never, ever understand why your consistency in being barely-mediocre is confused with success as a head coach.

All Comforters Are Defined By --And Judged Against--My Comforter. The Comforter.

I have The Comforter. It is not proper to refer to it as simply A comforter. The definite article "the" implies exactly what it must to convey the truth:

All comforters are defined by --and judged against-- my comforter. The Comforter.

Columbianas Son Ricas. De Pinche Nada.

Breaking News: President Romney Has X-Ray Vision.

If President Obama Was Cyclops' Secret Identity.